Hate We Can All Agree On

Self-help books teach you that if you find common interests with someone else, it's easier to hold a conversation with them.

I have discovered that the ties of common hatred are much stronger.

Stick to hated topics like these if you want to relate to as many people as possible:

1. Traffic
An everyday test of patience. Even drivers with a short commute will know to hate stoplights.

2. Government
Congress. Taxes. Renewing your driver's license. Don't mess with politics. Stick to the standard tiny inconveniences that everyone mutters under their breath about.

3. Weather
If you're outside, this can be a killer. Dang it's cold, dang it's hot, dang it's windy, dang it's cloudy, dang this snow is terrible. Almost every situation can be twisted into a common hatred.

4. Bad WiFi
Super effective if they're pretending to ignore you by looking at their phone.

5. Waiting in line
.................. Okay...... Ain't nobody got time for this I'm gone.

6. Vegetables
Cauliflower. I mean, really.

7. Work scheduling
Even if they happen to like work, no one likes waking up to an alarm for work. No one.

8. Gas prices
Easy win. In the occasion that they bike to prevent gas emission, quickly flip to how aggravating it is sharing the road with craaaazy drivers in fancy Escalades.

9. Public bathroom conditions
Guys will know what you're talking about. Women may play along but with less conviction because they have less experience dealing with a toilet handle covered in feces.

10. Crocs
First pretend to be checking your phone and glance down at their feet to confirm they are indeed wearing shoes other than Crocs.

11. Parking spots
If you're lucky enough to be talking to an SUV driver, extenuate this subject and toss in some remarks about "$3.79 a gallon I mean are you kidding me".

12. Nicholas Cage
Can't lose with this ace card.

13. Dentist appointments
Always a safe call. ALMOST everyone has teeth. How can you not relate. Doctors appointments can be substituted, but you'll want to avoid specifics with that area of discussion.

14. Refried beans
This can be a tough call because I've heard some people actually eat them by choice. You don't want to be in the middle of pantomiming scooping a spoonful of bland brown mush and throwing it at the wall when you realize you've found one of the world's few refried bean supporters.

It's a bit of a gambling game. If you play your cards before making sure you aren't about to be very offensive, you could actually make fewer friends and butcher this whole technique. It's a fine line.